The Struggle Within by Tyler May

Author:Tyler May [May, Tyler]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tyler May Books
Published: 2017-04-21T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter Sixteen

Vision of Panic

Jayson

I fought my OCD as I lay there on the ground. Each day was getting easier with it. My therapist was right, but I had to find coping techniques that worked for me. With Ryan, I didn’t think about it; I just did what needed to be done. I let out a long breath, and while gripping Ryan’s hand, it dawned on me that he was helping me, and he had no idea. When I decided to take the trip here, I knew things would be different. I would have an instant family in Jenna and Michael, and now Jacob. I was focused on that and getting the job I came for done. I never imagined I’d find purpose when I first laid eyes on Ryan, but I also knew from the moment I watched him kissing that nurse, I wanted him. I never had that reaction to a man before, and perhaps, that part of it was physical. Ryan had my mind twisted with every emotion, and God, was it a welcome feeling.

I turned my head slightly, not enough to draw attention to it so that I could look at Ryan. I wanted this. To help him. Him to help me. But then I looked at Michael. Man, that guy was pure gold. In my research, Michael was a saint, and seeing him with Jenna made me realize how much I wanted a relationship as meaningful as they have. With Ryan, shit, Michael had a pull on him that no one else did. He was lucky to have found such a friend. Michael was so confident and good at comforting him. He knew how to demand something from him without overstepping or triggering him, and then there were times like this, where he just knew to lie there and shut up. If I wanted to help, I had some major shoes to fill.

Everything in me ached after seeing him in a full-blown panic attack. With my OCD, I’ve had anxiety attacks, but after seeing this, I was one of the lucky ones. My anxiety was controlled, even at its peak. Ryan didn’t have that control. At least from what I’ve seen. I’ve read about panic attacks and how disabling they could be but experiencing someone battle one first hand was a first for me, and it put everything into perspective. I had real feelings for Ryan. This was fucked up. I had my fair share of men, but something I couldn’t explain felt different with Ryan.

Everything Ryan claimed to see in himself, I saw the opposite. There was no weakness in this man. None. To suffer and battle through what he did, took strength most men couldn’t endure. How Ryan could think he was anything else but strong, baffled me. But I could tell his mind commanded everything he did, and I was sure most of the belittling voice sounded an awful lot like Calvin. Ryan’s fingers moved over the top of my hand.

“Michael,” Ryan whispered, and I was relieved someone said something, but he was looking directly at me.

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